Looking back to 9 years ago.
Journal Entry 12-18-2012;
As Americans, I hope that we can address the underlying issues behind violent incidents and carry ourselves as being more understanding, less judgmental and offering words of kindness to all; including people, we don’t understand or like. Have you ever tried to have a positive thought, or speak positive words about someone who you think negatively about? Change is not easy but it has to start with each and every one of us.
I shared this summary on Facebook, thanks for the memory notifications, I’m revisiting it today.
I wrote this after much reflection on the end of relationships and or the changes of, specifically due to my decision to end my marriage; that officially occurred 13 months before 12-18-2012.
I had seen a few counselors for relationship help and attended different Christian sessions on marriage, I tried the "Love Dare." I had prayed for years,
“God please save my marriage. Help me be a better wife. Why can’t we be a family like everyone else?.”
As I prayed, I realized my husband wouldn’t pray with me.
As I prayed, I felt like to be his wife meant I couldn’t be a mom or have friends.
I was drowning and lost. You know, freshwater mermaids swim, swim, swim… they don’t do drowning.
I was getting information, including opinions, from religious leaders, medical health specialists & friends.
God, began to show me that my marriage was not working & I needed to end it.
If it’s meant to be then it will be. In the year I gave myself to focus on myself & being a single mom, God continued to show me that being a divorce survivor was my path.
Thus, to my December 2012 journal entry.
I was preparing for another holiday season as a divorced single mom.
I would send my son off. He was 8 and I trusted my in-laws but my son was use to me going. He was not good at communication, preferred his room, reading, drawing and video gaming.
I’d help him pack his favorite items. They had legos at their houses and he had cousins, it would be fine and it was.
I didn't know how’d I miss catching up with my in-laws and the being of an Aunt things. I send a small gift from me, but I lost time.
Thus, started emotions of anger and hurt.
I was in a program, Divorce Care, at a local Wesleyan Church.
I was able to start healing & grieve the loss of not having a family-like others or the fairytale.
I had to accept my story. I wanted to be a Mom & I was, God picked me for this.
I had to get myself to trust again but to build friendships first. Divorce Care said stay away from attraction & lust, which lead to more unhealthy relationships. I know that children are more likely to be abused by a step-parent or Mom’s boyfriend.
I knew I couldn’t handle more drama, I decided to be a person of Chasity. I had to shut the thought of just dating out.
I had to learn who I was now. One day at a time.
Temptations arrived but I stood with my faith.
I didn’t want to play house, I didn’t want my son to meet strangers.
My choice was lonely but not in a bad way, I began to see a lot of ugly and good about myself in the lonely. I learned not to be afraid of lonely.
I began to walk more & invite others to walk with me.
I began to set goals of my interest for things to do. I got scuba diving certified.
I went to restaurants by myself.
I feel more comfortable sitting at the bar when I do. I learned to politely turn men or women down who tried to hit on me. I’m she/her who will date a man when I’m ready, but friendship first.
You tell them that, they stop trying, change the subject, chat about the sport game on the TV, smile and part ways.
I have watched movies by myself, yes even going to a theatre by myself.
Inspiring Quotes, on 12-18-21 posted;
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” -Anaïs Nin
“In a beautiful meditation on the power of friendship, French diarist and essayist Anaïs Nin wrote in 1937 that each person we meet and befriend invites us to explore more of ourselves and discover new insights. Our interests, personalities, dreams, hopes, and thoughts are made richer and brighter when shared with someone else, and sometimes it takes the arrival of a new friend to awaken our truest identities.”
I have learned this.
I have learned that sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last for a long time and that friendships change.
The other night I was talking to my best friend of 25+ years, we met in high school.
Her husband is also my best friend, I don't think he had a choice, so I often refer to myself as their third wheel. I’ve been around since their beginning. I’ve learned to be a 3rd wheel.
She was talking about love languages, what I thought my love language is. As I’m sharing my single online dating trials with her and I told her probably quality time.
I found the love languages quiz and I am 37% quality time so that means;
“nothing says I love you to me then undivided attention being there for me with the TV off and everything else on standby … failure to listen can be accessed and especially hurtful” to me and that is from the five love languages.
I’m not settling or in a hurry for love.
I’m not afraid of lonely.
I’m not sure I can take another failed love relationship, so I’m not playing house.
Dude, I’ll meet up with you as a friend, doing the things I like to do, walk and swim to start. It’s going to take a long time and frankly a miracle from my God, if I decide to give you more than friendship.
Lastly, I think I’ll need my own bedroom, woman cave for the rest of my life.
Relationships are complicated but I’m trying to have healthy ones, full of celebration, happy memories with endings or parting ways peacefully. Agree to disagree.
I'm trying to walk with a clear heart and mind.
“If you owe me, don't worry about it - you're welcome. If you wronged me, it's all good - lesson learned. If you're angry with me, you've won. If we aren't speaking, its cool (I love you and I wish you well). If you feel I wronged you, I apologize. Life is too short for all the pent-up anger, holding grudges and extra pain!” -Unknown
In a “Lifetime” movie a guy just said the best ship in life is a “Ship of Friendship.”
Now, go and make new friends but keep the old too.
By -Rebecca McGrath-H.
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